idea is good. but nose is mine.

I still remember the incident for it was the first time I played cricket with a stitch ball. I was fielding very close to the batsman and I was obviously nervous. And then, out of the blue, the ball hit my face. I turned around and fell down. I could not see anything for a few seconds.

I stood up and touched my cheeks. I could not even feel my cheeks. I felt something wet on my fingers. Blood! From my nose. I was breathing blood.

I ran to my room and stared into the mirror. No, nothing has happened except blood was flowing as if I opened a water tap. My friends took me to a doctor and luckily there was no bone injury. I was happy that I was breathing air with the same nose.

Its only next day that I noticed. My nose has bent a little. To the right or left, I don't remember. But I was certain that my nose was not in proper condition as it was two days before. I could feel a small 'hump' on my nose. I convinced myself of having a 'crooked nose'.

I had to get rid of it. Desperately. And then it striked me.

I took a small hammer. And I felt stupid of the idea of hitting my nose with a hammer to set it straight. It was not that stupid as long as no one is watching me. I patted my nose a couple of times staring into the mirror but it didn't help. I needed support - support for my nose, I mean.

I supported my nose on the edge of a table and I patted again. No. Not working. Okay. Last try. I hit my nose hard. Just once. And I went blind.

Wow! I felt I'm the stupidest person alive on the planet.

Photo Credit: Lars Sundstrom / Image / Website

dont listen to your manager, ever.

What can I say? I think the title says it all.

This is my third week in Delhi. I came here for 2 weeks. And now he is asking me to stay for another week. I dont have enough dress to wear. I hate the food here. And how on earth he can ask me to stay here for another week? Fucko!

I got work to do at home. I cant just let my parents do everything on my behalf. It's me who should be running here and there. I didnt ask him for leave. I just said I will work from home like I used to do before. Why is he making me stay here?

I cant think how humble he was to me when I resigned. He just wanted me to revoke my resignation and stay with the company. He said my communication skills are good and he wanted me to be a Business Analyst. He kept his promise and also gave me a hike. I'm a Business Analyst now. But now I regret my decision. I should have gone ahead with my resignation. I hope this will end up in something good for me.

He is an A**HOLE, really!

PS: BTW, my new Minesweeper record - 179 secs! Isn't that cool? :D



PPS: Managers give you false/true promises just to get their work done. Don't fall for their sentiments. They suck! They really do!

after these many years.

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything about you. Actually I haven’t written anything good about you. I created this blog when you broke up with me. I wanted to humiliate you through this blog. But now, I feel happy for you.

These are the occasions where we feel the presence of God. I feel the pain of losing you. There were times where I could not even think of you being with someone else.

I would like to take this opportunity to say my sorry for everything I did to you. For hurting you to the core, for pushing you away when you tried to hug me, for making you cry on the middle of the road, for keeping you on hold for more than an hour on phone, for having had you hospitalized, for humiliating you through my Orkut profile updating the ‘About me’ section. I know you have taken a print-out of it as a token of my hatred. I sometimes feel I would have got you back if I haven’t done what I did.

I’m sorry K****u (I really want to spell your name but I don’t want to). I didn’t mean to hurt you. The day we talked for the last time on phone, the day you said you are not mine anymore, I went mad. I wanted to kill myself. Though I shouted at you, I loved you somewhere deep inside my heart. I thought you will come back after a while. I never knew you loved me this lot to let me go away.

Friends used to say about those times I used to go out at 2 AM in the night after fighting with you. I was madly in love with you. I have never loved someone so seriously. I have no feeling left in my mind for someone else. I realize that now.

I cherish the way you loved me. I want someone to love me the way you loved me, the way you used to stop me from talking to any other girl, the way you used to call me ‘anu’, the way you call me every half hour if you didn’t see my msg, the way you kiss my ears, the way you hug me, the way you touch my cheeks, the way you hold my hands. I cherish each and every second I had spent with you. I now know how valuable you were to me.

Now, you are married to someone else. I’m happy that God found you a perfect guy except, for what I feel, that he smokes. But I’m sure you will be happy in your life. I’ve never cursed you and never will.

I really don’t love you now. It’s just that I wanted to let go off my feelings completely. And I feel this is the right time.

You may or may not be reading this post. But please forgive me. I’m sorry.

Photo Credit: D Sharon Pruitt / Image

i never knew she loved me this lot.

How do you feel when someone you love the most is getting married to someone else? I'm sure you would get hurt. At least for a second I used to think 'if she came running at the last moment...' And if it happened, that would be the sweetest and most memorable moment of my entire life and worst moment of others' lives. I've thought about stuffs of that sort. I wish I were the one who married the gal I loved the most, no matter what.

But now, situation is just opposite to what it used to be. Before, I used to think 'Why cant she come running to me?' Now, I'm supposed to be the one running.

I know someone who loves me so much. I know she wants me to marry her. Should I run-away from where I'm supposed to be, shouting 'I Love You too'? Or just leave everything to God?

Photo Credit: Mike Coombes / Image / Website

i wanna be alone.

I deleted my Orkut account. I'm more than happy for having deleted it cuz I don't need any friends.

I had a time in my life where I used to spend time with my 7 cats at home. I loved them a lot. Really a lot. I always wanted them to be with me. But all of a sudden, I started to losing them. Some ran away. Two of them died right in front of my eyes. I (mercy) killed one cuz she met an accident and that was the bestest thing we could do to her. I cried a lot that day. Then we decided not to grow anymore pets at home. Its not cuz we don't love them or we don't care for them.

We may not be able to withstand when we feel that we lost them or when we know that we will lose them. Better not to have any than having one now and regretting later.

And for that matter, I don't need any friends. Not anymore!

Photo Credit: Vee Bee / Image

i'm no good at heart.

Having hurt by someone in the past doesn't mean that you can expect some good in the future. You will be punished for all mistakes you did. It took really long time for me to understand this fact. I used to expect good things to happen in my life but I never did something good.

I hurt almost everyone who loves me. And keep loving them more and more. It was too late by the time I figured out that I was actually hurting them even more. I just thought I was loving them.

Another funny fact about me is, I keep saying what mistakes I did. And I think I eventually will escape from being punished just because I accepted my mistake. Accepting the mistake doesnt mean that I don't deserve the punishment.

I'm done. I can feel my future.

some company-policies suck.

Formal dress from Monday to Thursday. Business Casuals on Friday. This is the dress-code most of the companies follow. And so do my company also. Business Casuals doesn't include round-necks. I dint know that. In fact, I dint know the one I wore was a round-neck. As you may see in the picture, the t-shirt is not having a collar. But I 'thought' still it wasn't a round-neck :((

I got inside the company as usual. Company has hired security-personnel and they do intense scrutiny to check if the employees are following the dress-f*ckin-code. Securities are there everywhere, near the lift, near the staircase, near each and every door entrance. I crossed the main entrance and nobody stopped me. I wasn't lucky enough for long. The security on the 2nd floor caught me and he called another guy who was on the first floor. He also did a thorough check-up just like a bomb-squad does. Security-head asked me to go change the dress. F*CK!

I thought of 'half-a-kilometer walk in the hot sun' to go back to my room and change. I had to do it. They made me do it.

tit for tat.

I'm running out of words. I dont know how to explain the situation. But I just know I'm hurt. Completely! I agree that I did a mistake. You decided to punish me and stopped talking to me. I dint say a word cuz I was guilty. Now, you did the same mistake. So I, obviously, decided to punish you. But even before that you decided how should I punish and how long it should last? Wow!

If you are to do everything, then why do u think I'm here?

my first encounter with a camera.

I do remember the first time I held a camera for I still carry a token which reminds me of that incident in this entire life.

I was studying in 6th standard then. My parents were decorating our new home. I was kinda busy deciding which would be my bedroom. One of my relative was busy clicking his camera. I was so happy to see a camera so close when he asked me to take care of the camera for a while. I decided to click my own photo and took the camera. I held camera so close facing me. Maybe around 10cms away from my eyes? I dont know.

CLICK!

OMG! I dont know how I managed not to panic. Me eyes were burning. The flash from the camera made me blind for about 15mins. I saw nothing around me other than a bright orange light. I got so tensed and I started to believe that I lost my eye sight. I dint tell anyone about the incident. I was begging God to return my vision and at last He did.

Maybe, for that brave-act, I still wear a specs?!

please dont leave me alone.

I felt like jumping off the building. My intention was not to blackmail you. I felt and so i said. My mistake. Words once said cant be taken back. But there are situations where I wait for some words to hear and when you dont say it.

Which hurts more?

Photo Credit: Tamás Varjú / Image

sin, love is.

I dont understand what I did for God to punish me like this. All I did is I loved someone I'm never supposed to love. I just loved you. Not purposely I did. It just happened. If that is a sin, I'm the greatest sinner you ever came across in your life.

i rEgReT iT nOw...

when i said you are the most beautiful girl i have ever met,
when i said i love you,
when i said i cant live without you,
when i said i will wait for you for the rest of my life,

i lied.

yOu aRe hUrTiNg mE...

u do wat i asked u not to do. u say wat i asked u not to say. But i want u to understan that its hurtin me...each n everytime i make a note when u do it.

Not for revenge but to ask God not to punish you for those cuz i once did wat u asked me not to do.

Photo Credit: Barunpatro / Image / Website

hApPiEsT dAy iN yOuR LiFe... :'(

For what i did to your parents, for what i did to ur friends, for wat i did to ur trust u had on me, for wat i did to you, you would revenge? i would neva be happy?
The happiest day in your life is the day you see me dead?

wHy iS tHiS hApPeNiNg tO mE..?

i dint forget to update my blog. i dint forget to check my mail. i dint forget to scrap my friend. i dint forget to have breakfast or lunch. i dint forget to take my mobile. i dint forget any thing related to me.

Why the hell on earth am i forgettin things related to her? Please!

Photo Credit: Courtney Icenhour / Image / Website

wiLL yoU fOrGiVe mE? :((

i get jealous when i see you talkin to others. i feel y am i not so lucky to be one of your friend. i was so nervous when i talked to you for the first time. i still have those mails i sent you. But for some (obvious) reasons, you started to avoiding me.

i felt happy when i wished you on your bday at 12 o'clock. i had bought bday cards and also wrote a letter months earlier. But i dint get a chance to give it to you. i waited for my bday to hear you wishin me. But you dint. U dint, even when i said it was my bday. i dint want bday cards, gifts but jus a 'Happy B'day'. i know you are being honest. i respect you, and your feelings. it was my mistake.

But, did i do such a mistake that can never be forgiven?

Photo Credit: Ann- Kathrin Rehse / Image

i fUcKeD, i gOt fUcKeD...

i ve done a lot many mistakes in my life...but not one like this :| my very first post tells abt one f my mistake i was abt to commit. Gosh! Somethin stopped me from doin it...

2007 12 August... time was around 9 or 10 PM

But ther was no one to stop me the next time... the mistake i could neva eva forget in my life. M payin for it... evryday evry hour, every minute n every second.

i was sittin in my room, door ajar... my cousin brother came n told 'Uncle' is callin...
i was kinda tensed... it is not easy to stay calm when u r bein caught. it was her dad! i started from home. it dint take much time to reach her house. It jus opposite. All it takes is jus to cross the road.

i could see her mom, dad n one f my (fuckin)frnd out there in the sit-out. Uncle was kinda harsh the moment he saw me. He was literally shoutin. He asked me to step inside. He sat in front f me n her mom beside me. He asked me if i loved her, his daughter!

August 12 2007; Around 7PM

i was in my frnd's home talkin very seriously about this problem. i for sure was in deep shit, ugly filthy shit you could eva think of. He asked me to tell her dad abt everythin. i really wanted to. i really dint know somethin was happenin at the background. My frnd, Anoop (his name is also Anoop :D), gave me enough courage to tell her parents abt everythin. i wanted to tell my parents b4 i talk to her dad. My parents dint even care to understan me. They were strictly against the love thingy. But i had lil bit f hope tat i can convince my parents.

August 12 2007; After 10PM - at her home

'NO'... i told her dad.
i was tryin to save her. Cuz she already told her parents that there was no such kinda relationship between me n her. i was jus tryin to save her. i dono watels i can say abt it. Uncle called her in front f me. but she too said the same.
He gave me his last n the final warnin. he was pointin his index finger towards me, right in front f my eyes n he told he will kill me if he eva in his life come to know that we were in love. He was OK for everythin. He jus said 'YOU SHUD BE COURAGE ENOUGH TO TELL THE WORLD WHOM YOU LOVE'...with enough sarcasm in his 'DAD'ly voice...

It was not tat i was afraid f him or i had the fear f me bein killed by him. NO! Nothin tat sorta. We got backstabbed from one of my frnd, whom i thought would neva eva cheat us (tat would be another blog cuz i got tonnes to say abt tat too :D). He cant b blamed though. Cuz i mite hav done wat he did if i was in his position. But even then it was a shock for both me n her.

Just a Word- NO. Biggest mistake in my life. i paid my life for it.